Sunday, February 24, 2013

In the News

The Chattahoochee Valley Press-Prevaricator
If it’s news, it’s news to us.

BINGO!!! Chief says she’s got Harris this time

Staff Writer
   COLUMBUS – Police chief Irene Jones says Tom Harris is at it again. Six months ago, Mr. Harris ran afoul of Chief Jones for allegedly speeding and being careless in his motorized wheelchair.
   “The man is a menace,” Chief Jones said at the time. “I don’t know whose idea it was to put a motor on his wheelchair, but whoever the person was, he ought to have his head examined.”
   Chief Jones was asked at the time if she thought Mr. Harris should have his head examined.
   “Why?” she asked sarcastically. “They wouldn’t find anything. His ears are separated by a vast tract of empty space.”
   Mr. Harris’ driving is still an issue.
  “Zoom, zoom, zoom he goes, careening recklessly from dawn to dusk,” the chief said. “I don’t what his hurry is.”
   “Look, at my age, when you got to go, you got to go,” Mr. Harris told the P-P in an exclusive interview. “The plumbing ain’t what it used to be.”
   Chief Jones is still very concerned about Mr. Harris’ driving, and she depends upon a number of snitches to observe Mr. Harris’ driving and report any speeding or careless operation on his part to her. According to one of the snitches, who refused to give her name to this reporter, Chief Jones has encouraged the snitches and offered them bonus pay to make up stories of Mr. Harris speeding and endangering innocent pedestrians.
   “My job is to keep Mr. Harris off the road,” Chief Jones said. “If my snitches have to play fast and loose with the truth in order to do that, so what?”
   But Chief Jones’ biggest concern these days is Mr. Harris’ bingo calling. Thursday she stopped by the bingo hall – a cup of coffee in one hand and a donut in the other, according to witnesses – and heard a frustrated player ask, “Is there an O-62 in there?”
   That was enough to engage the chief’s interest, and she stayed to watch several games.
   “If there was an O-62 in there, he never called it,” Chief Jones said, wiping the residue of yet another donut from her face. “And I intend to find out why.”
   The chief said her department is undertaking a full-scale investigation of Mr. Harris’ bingo calling.
    “All you have to do is take one look at his beady eyes and you know that thieving Harris is guilty as sin,” she said. “Why do you think he drives so fast? Because he’s fleeing the scene of his latest crime, that’s why.
   “Well, he can run, but pretty soon he’s going find his hide in the big house. You can bet on that.”

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