I am
sitting here waiting for God to speak to me. He hasn't yet, and I'm not sure
why. I mean, I'm here every day, listening for his voice in my head, or on the
phone, maybe. I even cast a hopeful glance at my e-mail now and then in case
that's how God reaches people nowadays. How much trouble would it be for him to
call and say, "Just wanted to let you know, Tom, that you're soooo, soooo
special, and I have endowed you with special powers of understanding, prophecy and
insight"? He's awfully busy, I know, assuring each of the Republican
presidential candidates that only he or she can save the country from
perdition. But, come on, he's God, isn't he? Surely there's an angel available
to take over pumping up Rick Perry's ego for a few minutes while the big guy
gets in touch with me. Besides, Rick's well-coifed head might explode if the
pumping doesn't stop soon.
I know
I won't be an easy case for the angels and archangels, the cherubim and
seraphim, and all the heavenly hosts. I've been a happy heathen for decades,
and it's been a very long time since my shadow last darkened the door to the
sanctuary. So much has changed, and I'll require a considerable amount of
remedial work.
You
see, as a lad I donned a white shirt, coat and tie each week for the trek down
South Park Road to Sunday school. And as I recall, at least one Sunday a year
was given over to a discussion of the parable of the Pharisee and the publican.
In that story, the Pharisee stood in the middle of the temple and, with great
gusto, thanked God for making him wonderful and awe-inspiring. One of
Pharisee's more notable gifts from God was a great set of lungs, which he used
to let the less blessed know how proud he was to be him. Meanwhile, the publican sneaked into a broom
closet, mumbled a humble word or two and went on his way to stumble and bumble
through life. This annual lesson ended with the admonition to go forth and
emulate the publican.
Even to
one such as I who has not been paying close attention, it is obvious the
theologians have had a change of heart. It is the Pharisees who are favored by
God. And if you don't believe me watch FOX News for a few minutes. Everywhere
you turn the modern Pharisees are ecstatic because they're sure that voice they
hear is the voice of God. And why does God speak to them? Dah. Because they're
so wonderful. God doesn't talk to just anybody, you know. There are six billion
people on the planet, and God can't very well talk to them all. As a result, he
limits his conversation to those who are well off, well groomed, well spoken
and who have marvelously self-satisfied smirks.
And
there's that thing about the meek inheriting the Earth. Like all the other
ancient wisdom that makes the 21st-Century Pharisees uncomfortable, it is, they
say, a faulty translation. Remember, God loves those who love themselves. Meek
means weak, and God doesn't like the wishy-washy, full-of-doubt types. That's
what all the blessed and wonderful people say, and they know because God told
them they are blessed and wonderful.
But,
wait a minute. If all the exceedingly blessed, wonderful and outrageously proud
are going to spend eternity at the right hand of God - and they are because God
has told them they will - then inheriting the Earth won't be such a bad deal.
All those swelled heads will make Heaven awfully crowded.
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