So, last night, I like couldn’t sleep. It was like midnight, and I go, “I guess I’ll like, you know, get up.” I mean, like what else am I going to do in the wee hours? Then I’m like, now what do I do? Then I go, “I’ll find like a crossword puzzle online.” So, I try like the Los Angeles Times website, but the whole time I’m going, “This is a waste. They like probably don’t post their new crossword until, you know, midnight out there in Lala Land, which is like 3 am here.” But when I got to site, I go, “Wow! The new puzzle is like here already.”
But, Tuesday’s puzzle is never, you know, all that hard, and I finished it in like twelve minutes. And I’m still, you know, not like tired, and I go, “What am I going to like do now?” Richie, next door, like must have gone to bed already, and I couldn’t even, you know, like complain about his TV being loud. It’s like a hassle being, you know, the only person on the hall who isn’t like hard of hearing. So, I start looking around on like Facebook and Huffingtonpost, and I like find this column by Chuck Avery, who like writes for the Palladium-Item in Richmond, Indiana. I’m like, “Whoever heard of a newspaper called the Palladium?”
Mr. Avery, it turns out, is like, you know, a real snoot. He goes, I’m not going to like write about other people’s problems with the language, but please like shut up while I like bore you with mine. He’s like freaked out about people like using “like” and “goes” to mean said. And I’m like, what’s the problem? He goes, “I’m not condemning these constructions on moral, social or intellectual grounds; my only intent is to call attention to their rhetorical inadequacies. In other words, they can really mess up a simple declarative sentence.”
Then he offers like “what if” examples: “Imagine Winston Churchill saying: ‘I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and, well, you know, like sweat.’” I mean, you know, isn’t that like what he said? For like his third example, he goes: “Or Edgar Allen Poe: ‘Then the raven goes like, ‘Nevermore.’’” But his middle example was like, you know, a real classic. “Or Franklin Delano Roosevelt: ‘Yesterday, December 6, 1941 — a date that will, you know, live in like infamy. ...’” I’m like, “Holy Crap! Didn’t this guy’s mother ever go, ‘If you like live in a glass house, you shouldn’t, you know, throw stones.’” I’m hardly, you know, a historian, but I like know “yesterday” in FDR’s speech was like December 7, 1941.
There’s like nothing worse than saying other people sound stupid and then like saying something, you know, stupid yourself. I like know this from, you know, experience.