I Didn't Mean It, Really

(Former astronaut Lisa Marie Nowak) must stay away from the victim Colleen Shipman and has to write a “sincere” letter of apology to her within 10 days.
Associated Press item in the Cleveland Plain Dealer, November 11, 2009

Dear Ms. Nowak:

All of us at ReallySincereExpressions were saddened to learn of your recent misfortune. ReallySincereExpressions specializes in composing sincere letters of apology, and we would like to assist you as you struggle through this traumatic situation.

You know and we know that when Ms. Shipman receives your letter of apology, she will mumble “Yeah, right” and toss it into the wastebasket. Before Ms. Shipman sees the letter, however, it will be scrutinized by an army of bureaucrats using the Sincere-o-Meter, which was developed by a team of psychiatrists, social workers, counselors and other assorted quacks. If your letter to Ms. Shipman fails to get a passing score on the Sincere-O-Meter, you will be subject to additional fines and possible incarceration.

At ReallySincereExpressions we have over thirty standard letters of sincere apology. Simply call 1-800-IMSORRY and one of our sincerity consultants will help you discover the letter of sincere apology that is right for you. Once you’ve selected a letter, the relevant information from your case will be added to the ReallySincereExpressions letter of sincere apology’s time-tested expressions of sincere apology. The lowest acceptable score on the Sincere-O-Meter is 85. Three of ReallySincereExpressions’ standard letters of sincere apology have earned a score of 100, and our other standard letters all have a Sincere-O-Meter ranking of 96 or higher. All it takes is five minutes of your time.

For additional peace of mind, may we suggest a ReallySincereExpressions personalized letter of sincere apology. Yes, a personalized letter of sincere apology is somewhat more expensive, but the extra level of safety it provides is worth it. You see, more and more people are using ReallySincereExpression standard letters of apology every day. There is always the possibility that one jurisdiction will receive identical standard letters of sincere apology within a few days time, which would raise a Sincere-O-Meter red flag. The ReallySincereExpressions staff work hard to prevent such an occurrence, but it could happen, and we cannot be responsible if it does. Although, we would be sincerely sorry.

When you opt to send a ReallySincereExpressions personalized letter of sincere apology, one of our sincerity consultants will come to your home and compose a truly personalized letter of sincere apology with you. Our sincerity consultant will take your thoughts and ideas and tastefully package them in a personalized letter sure to score high on the Sincere-O-Meter.
We at ReallySincereExpressions understand that you are capable of writing an acceptable letter of apology. We also understand, however, that you are under a great pressure at this time, that another woman has stolen your lover and that fines and imprisonment are real possibilities if your sincerity is found wanting.

Many bright, intelligent, successful women in your position have opted to write their own letters of apology. A few of them wrote letters with an acceptable sincerity level. Most did not. So often, a woman who must apologize to the woman responsible for her broken heart, no matter how hard she tries, finds it impossible to keep words such as “trollop,” “hussy,” “slattern” and “floozy” out of the letter. And those words never score high on the Sincere-O-Meter.

Why take a chance? Call 1-800-IMSORRY and talk to one of the ReallySincereExpressions sincerity consultants. It’s quick, it’s easy and it’s effective.

And remember, at ReallySincereExpressions being sincere doesn’t mean you have to mean it.

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