Friday, June 9, 2017

Miss Parker's Wit and Wisdom

To bring life to an otherwise lifeless day, I hopped on the Internet and spent an hour with Dorothy Parker (1893-1967). The old girl had a lot to say, and she said it well. She brightened my day with observations such as these:

"Her big heart, as is so sadly often the case, did not inhabit a big bosom."

"What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can't hear an enzyme."

"The two most beautiful words in the English language are 'cheque enclosed.'"

"This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force."

"You can't teach an old dogma new tricks."

"If all the girls attending the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised."

"Tell him I'm too fucking busy - or vice versa."

"Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone."

"The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue."

"Now, I know the things I know, and do the things I do, and if you do not like me so, to hell, my love, with you."

"It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard."

"A hangover is the wrath of grapes."

"Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair."

"If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to."

"You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think."

"Brevity is the soul of lingerie."

"All I need is room enough to lay a hat and a few friends."

I knew Dorothy Parker coined the phrase, "Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses." I didn't realize, though, that she also came up with, "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."

"Time doth flit; oh shit."

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