Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Hansel and Gretel: Man and Wife

  What if, instead of siblings, Hansel and Gretel had been married twenty years when they went into the witch's kitchen?

   GRETEL: Hansel, my hapless husband, we must do
   something lest Witchy cooks us in a stew.
   HANSEL: Stew! That’s great! Carrots, potatoes and beef
   served after a nice wine aperitif.
   As a cook, Witchy has appealing appeal,
   I’m ready right now to have a big meal.
   GRETEL: Hansel, you idiot, what is the matter?
   You’re brain’s shot! We’ll be served on a platter.
   And what she can’t eat she’ll give to the dogs,
   or we will be some swell swill for her hogs.
   HANSEL:  My word, Gretel, you’re overreacting.
   I think you need to try interacting
   with that fine lady who treats us so well.
   Why must you make poor Witchy’s life hell?
   Kindness and decency are stuff you lack,
   when all your hormones are way out of whack.
   GRETEL: Hormones? I ought to whack you with hormones
   upside your head, that useless sphere of bones
   that hasn't a neuron or synapse
   or cell to make thoughts. A brain of odd scraps
   that God had around when you were conceived.
   And you, you dolt, have been greatly deceived
   by old Witchy, whose really evil plot
   is to plop us both into her big pot.
   HANSEL: Dammit, why don’t you hush up, Gretel.
   Witchy isn’t about to throw us in her kettle.
   Besides, it’s all your fault that we are here.
   I should be home on the couch drinking beer.
   GRETEL: That’s your idea of work, isn’t it?
   To have a beer or two, then sleep a bit.
   But if you’d stopped to ask directions
   we would have managed those intersections
   and not got lost. But, Mr. Know-It-All,
   remember pride goeth before the fall.
   And now all we can do is sit and wait,
   till Witchy-poo serves us up on a plate.

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