Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Safe Sex in Ohio

Dear Male Politician,

It is a sad day in America when a member of Congress is castigated and forced to resign his office for sending sexually explicit photographs of himself to a woman. We at Have A Drink in Ohio believe it is shameful that so many people are up in arms over Congressman Weiner's understandable behavior.

According to recent studies, when it comes to the size of procreative organs, males who list their occupation as "politician" are the most generously endowed of any vocational group. And the difference in size is sizable, indeed. Truck drivers and athletes are tied for second in the survey, but comparing them to politicians is like comparing redwoods and bonsai trees. Politicians also score highest in pride and conceit. That is not a bad thing. A grandiose self-image is imperative when you are a sleazy, oily character who spends his days toadying up to unimaginably rich sleazy, oily characters and their lobbyists.

During the few hours of the day when a politician isn't assiduously collecting bribes, payoffs and kickbacks, he must remind the apathetic public and fawning press of his outstanding qualities. That is what Mr. Weiner did, using pictures instead of words. And because a picture is worth a thousand words, he should be congratulated for his efficiency rather than berated for his failure to adhere to an outdated moral standard that robs the modern male politician of his right of free expression.

Admit it: as a male politician you have done what Mr. Weiner did, or been strongly tempted to. You have succeeded in politics by constantly telling the electorate that you are the man for the job. And every citizen wants our nation's leaders to be manly. Unfortunately, far too many recoil in horror when a politician offers to reveal proof of his manliness.

What is the well-endowed politician to do? With a few skillful strokes of his scalpel, a surgeon can quickly reduce your massive member to a tiny tool. But you probably want to avoid that. So why not come to Ohio?

As you may know, Ohio recently passed one of the least restrictive concealed-carry laws in the nation. Now you can take your gun with you almost anywhere in the Buckeye State, including bars.

While, unfortunately, our new law offers no protection to those who text, e-mail or post images of their stunning masculinity, it does allow the frisky politician to relax when he's out with a shapely young thing half his age. We know there is an attractive woman on your staff with whom you wish to become better acquainted, and because, as you constantly remind the voters, you are a man of faith, you naturally want to get to know her in the Biblical sense. We suggest you show her a night on the town in Cleveland, Toledo, Cincinnati, Columbus, Akron, Youngstown or even Rock Creek. After an expensive dinner at the taxpayers' expense, take your date to one of the many fine bars you'll find in every Ohio city. Just make sure you're packing heat when you do. It is your ironclad alibi.

After a few drinks, you will undoubtedly feel the urge to share thoughts of an intimate nature with the fair damsel. You will tell her about your equipment and its awesome size and firepower. And eventually you will suggest she take a look at it. If she wants to continue working for you, she will "yes," and you will go from there. However, there is always the possibility that she will be shocked and call the police. But you are in Ohio and there is no need to panic. Remain calm as she finishes the call and then ask if she would like another drink while waiting for the police to arrive. When they do, allow her to talk to them without interruption. Then a policeman will turn to you, and you'll say:

"I think there has been a terrible misunderstanding, officer."

"Yeah, what's that?"

"I have a concealed-carry permit, and I wanted to show her my pistol - it's a real pistol. I certainly wasn't trying to take advantage this fine young, American woman. I tried to explain that to her, but she was awfully upset."

The policeman will ask to see your permit and to inspect the weapon.

"Boy, that is quite a gun you have. I wish I had one that big," he'll say. "But that clears it all up. I'm so sorry we had to bother you."

It's as easy as that in Ohio.

Remember, the next time your testosterone starts to stir, Ohio is the place to be for risk-free, embarrassment-free fun. And don't forget your gun; we can't wait to take a look at it.

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