This is my
eleventh day at Covenant Woods, and my little apartment is getting that
lived-in look. Lived-in, we know, is a euphemism for disorderly mess. And
nothing in my disorderly mess is more disorderly than the table at which I am
sitting. The lamp and computer belong here, and they are bravely trying to
defend their territory. The question is: how long will they be able to hold
back the horde of illegally immigrating junk that threatens to overwhelm them?
The encroaching disarray includes, but is
not limited to: a cell phone, a book of stamps; Funk & Wagnalls Standard
Handbook of Synonyms, Antonyms & Prepositions; a ragged paperback copy of
Single & Single by John LeCarre; a box of Puffs tissue, which I will not call
kleenex lest I offend the Kleenex trademark lawyers; a NOOK; the box in which
the NOOK came; a box of plastic food
storage bags; a notebook; two plastic bottles of fiber pills and one of
multiple vitamins; a food storage bag full of chocolate chip cookies – they
were parting gifts from Marcia and Joyce; a bag of sour cream and onion potato
chips; an empty plastic creamer that will remain forever empty and ought be
thrown out, because I don’t put cream in my coffee; a plaster cast of a hand
giving the sign for “I love you,” that Russell made in high school art class,
and which deserves a more prominent spot; a stack of paper napkins from Subway;
a screwdriver (a tool, not a drink); a juice glass; a notepad; my keys; $1.13 in change; a TV remote
that no longer works; a book of crossword puzzles; several pens and assorted
scraps of paper.
All of which segues nicely into my Microsoft
spell-check rant. Where, I wonder, were Microsoft’s geeky spellers during the
sixties. Didn’t they ever watch Laugh In and hear the man say, “Look that up in
your Funk & Wagnalls?” The fact that most of them had yet to be born is no
excuse. They should know that Wagnalls was the name of the Funk’s partner, and
that they called their business Funk & Wagnalls Publishing Company, Inc.
Wagnalls is not possessive and it does not require an apostrophe.
But try telling that to Microsoft. Every time I type “Wagnalls,” the computer tells me I’m wrong and should either insert an apostrophe or drop the “s.” It even did this in when I typed “Wagnalls is not possessive and does not require an apostrophe.” I don’t know what Microsoft thinks Wagnalls possesses in that sentence.
But try telling that to Microsoft. Every time I type “Wagnalls,” the computer tells me I’m wrong and should either insert an apostrophe or drop the “s.” It even did this in when I typed “Wagnalls is not possessive and does not require an apostrophe.” I don’t know what Microsoft thinks Wagnalls possesses in that sentence.
On the other hand, John LeCarre is supposed
to have an accent mark over the second “e.” I know that, I just don’t know how
to get it there. The keyboard does have an accent mark; it’s to the left of the
“1.” But it doesn’t put the mark on top of the “e” where it belongs. It puts it next to the “e,” – LeCarre` or LeCarr`e – and it looks like a
defective apostrophe. Please don’t get me started on apostrophes.
When I’m typing words such as fiancĂ©, I rely
on Microsoft to know an accent is needed and to put it there for me. Mr.
LeCarre is hardly an unknown, and you would think the people at Microsoft would
have heard of him and added his name to the spell-check function. Well, think
again. I typed “LeCarre” and got the expected squiggly line beneath it. But
when I went to spell check, I didn’t get the expected suggestion of LeCarre
with an accent over the final “e.” What I got was a list of words it thought I
might have intended to use: lucre, Lexar, Leary and secure among them.
Then there’s Kleenex. Microsoft fights my
every attempt to type Kleenex with a lower case “k.” It’s understandable that
the Kleenex people strenuously object to the use of kleenex as a generic term
for tissue. It’s not so understandable, however, why Microsoft is so persnickety
about Kleenex and so absolutely clueless about Wagnalls and LeCarre. Apparently,
Kleenex is nothing to sneeze at.
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